All those years ago

I look at my son's and can't get over how very much I love them. I remember all those years ago, as a 15 year old baby myself, looking into BréElle's bright, full brown eyes and feeling the exact same way. Like I could look into those eyes forever, and finally, finally, there was someone to love me 100% without a doubt. BréElle was 6yrs. 5mths. and 1 day old when my body failed me and pushed out not quite ready boys out into this world. Six years old. I never really intended to wait so long... but really I'm not sure what my intentions were either. I've always wanted to be a mother, I know that. From the time I was a little bitty girl. But then again, the first few years of BréElle's existence were so tough, sometimes I questioned rather or not I was meant to be any one's parent at all. All I had then of course, was more love than my little body could handle, and I poured it all into her. I loved her, truly madly, passionately, because that's all I really knew for sure how to do. Nearly 7yrs. later, and I have, in my honest opinion, one of the happiest most loving little girls you will ever have the pleasure of knowing. She is amazeing. Who knows where my world would have been with out her. Back then though, while I was trying to find myself, grow up, and raise a daughter also, I never even dreamed I would have the devine, great pleasure, of having any more babies. Little people they are. What with their huge personalities, and power to change all... why would you think of them as anything else? I longed for a baby, honestly, for quite some time. I never thought I would be given this again though. A life, To mend, and to mold. All those years ago, when I thought everything was so tough, I forgot how all this feels. Holding my son's in my arms. Their sweet warm touch. The gentle tug of their tounge as they nurse from my breast. The cooing they make as I sing and caress their face. That sweet, smooth smell when they exhale, so new and fresh. I forgot how beautiful this all is. How blessed I am to have them at all. My daughter, and two son's. How easy it is to forget.

I wish I could have twins...

People don't understand the whole process, I assume. Of carrying twins that is, or they don't think things out before they speak either. I love my boys, immensely, but I never once wished before, nor during my pregnancy to carry such a weight. Daily, for the 30weeks 4/7 days that my body allowed me the pleasure, I prayed just to let my son's be born alive. My son's are identical. Paternal twins have slightly better odds of a healthy, happy outcome. Statistically identical twins do not. Identical, African American, boy twins have even greater chances of not making it. I prayed for 7.5mths just to meet my son's once. At 7wks. in to our pregnancy, I hemorrhaged for the first time. My placenta was growing faster than my tiny body could handle, and separated from the wall of my uterus. I could have lost my son's then, after only knowing for a week they were even there. At 12wks. I hemorrhaged a second time, and was put on bed rest the remainder of my pregnancy. At 22wks. I went into pre-term labor for the first time, and again at 27wks. At 27wks. I received a 1week vacation at in the maternity ward, to receive steroids for the boy's lungs.

30wks our son's were welcomed with great fear, anticipation and bewilderment, on my behalf. We were blessed, they did beautifully in the NICU and came home, together 33days later. The day after my birthday.

I will post their "Birth Story" one day...

It's quite fuzzy in my head, after only 5mths. Bad mommy, I know.

We were extremely fortunate that our boys were Monochorionic Diamniotic, which simply put, means they had a membrane between them and couldn't strangle one another.

We were blessed that they never developed twin to twin transfusion.

That I never suffered the many things that can develop with even a singleton pregnancy. Carrying twins raises your chances of those life threatening conditions, you know.

No, in all my wildest dreams, I never thought for a second I would become the mother of two at once.

My entire pregnancy, I faced the very real realization that this time I could very well lose two babies as opposed to one. Not that losing one would hurt any less. I could go on with the statistics for days, but if your one of those women that think for a second you want a twin pregnancy ( or triplet or more) you better do some research.

I hear how lucky I am, so many times over.

Blessed, yes I am, very.

But, luck has nothing to do with it.

I prayed for 30wks.

Quite honestly, it disgusts me to hear someone say, "I wish I could have twins," or to ask... how to conceive twins. To try to argue the fact that they deserve to have twins, like it's some right. If you want that kind of heartache, so be it.

The odds aren't in your favor. We were made to have one at a time. One.

I know, and have seen the out come first hand, the grief of losing a child brings. The pain losing two brings.

Why would you purposely risk that?

I love my sons, but I went through my pregnancy day by day praying just to know them for one second outside my womb.

I thank God that they are here, and as healthy as they are.

All I had to go through for them to be here, I wouldn't trade them for a thing in this world, but at the same time, I wouldn't wish... a multiple pregnancy on any one.

No matter how blessed I am, I'm still only one story. Only one outcome.

No matter how "lucky" you think I am.

And this blog is for!?

I'm starting this just to keep who ever is interested up to date with us and the boys.

Also, to give me something to do on the rare occasion that they are napping, and I can find nothing better to do. I guess I will use this as a place to go and vent, of sorts. To relax and have some much needed "me" time. When of course the time is alotted!